Choose Your Own Writing Career

by M. C. DeMarco

[[Colophon]]

You are an aspiring writer. <<set $rejections=0>> <<set $genre="">> <<set $length="">> <<set $scenes=0>> <<set $market="">> <<set $publications=0>> <<set $odds=950>> <<set $market="">> Tonight, you have writer's block. You sit in your dim office; the overhead light really needs replacing. But first, you //will// write something, no matter how bad. You close your eyes and type. //Clackety clackety clack.// You open your eyes and read words on the screen: {{{It was a dark and stormy night.}}} You groan aloud and backspace rapidly. //Kcalc, ytekcalc, ytekcalc.// You replace the offending words with: {{{He was a dark and stormy creature of the night.}}} It may be time to pick a genre. You decide to: * [[write sf]] * [[write something popular]] * [[write something obscure]] * [[postpone your decision]]

It may be time to pick a new genre. You decide to: * [[write sf]] * [[write something popular]] * [[write something obscure]] * [[postpone your decision]]

<<set $genre="SF">> SF means never having to say you're sorry... Sorry. "SF" is an abbreviation that means you haven't decided whether you're writing a science-fiction short story, a fantasy trilogy, or a best-selling vampire romance. You decide to: * [[write science fiction]] * [[write fantasy]] * [[write horror]] * [[write paranormal romance]] * [[postpone your decision]]

<<set $genre="science fiction">> There are many ways to procrastinate in science fiction, and many ways to legitimately pursue your career. You could do some research, or you could start writing right now. You decide to: * [[do some research]] * [[start writing]]

<<set $genre="fantasy">> There's nothing in the world like horses and dwarves. But how much do you know about horses, really? You're a writer, not a farmhand. Maybe you should do some research before you write your first novel. You decide to: * [[do some research]] * [[write a novel]] * [[write a trilogy]]

<<set $genre="horror">> There's nothing in the world like saws dripping with the blood of teenagers. But are you really in a dark enough mindset to slaughter the innocent? Maybe you should watch a few slasher movies to inspire yourself first. You decide to: * [[watch a movie]] * [[start writing]]

So you want to leave the genre ghetto. Congratulations! The money will be rolling in in no time. You check Google for for-profit genres and find some likely possibilities. Which will you choose? You decide to * [[write paranormal romance]] * [[write normal romance]] * [[write a mystery]] * [[write a thriller]]

<<set $genre="paranormal romance">> You realize that there's no market for horror these days, but paranormal romance is flying off the shelves. Levitation is the key to your career ambitions. It's time to: * [[do some research]] * [[start writing]] * [[find an agent]] * [[procrastinate]]

You've chosen a genre with a vast market and a large, supportive writers' community. It's like winning the lottery. You're barely even tempted to procrastinate. <<set $genre="romance">> <<display "start writing">>

<<set $genre="mystery">> You've decided to write in one of the oldest genres around, but will your mystery be cozy or gritty? And whodunnit? Maybe you should watch a few Hitchcock movies to inspire yourself first. You decide to: * [[watch a movie]] * [[start writing]]

You've chosen a genre with a vast market and impressive series potential. You're barely even tempted to procrastinate. <<set $genre="thriller">> <<display "start writing">>

The genre ghetto fails to satisfy your desire for obscurity and poverty. Instead, you decide to: * [[write mainstream fiction]] * [[write supernatural fiction]] * [[write westerns]]

<<set $genre="mainstream">> You want to follow in the footsteps of MFAs everywhere. But wait, you don't have an MFA. What to do? You decide to: * [[get an MFA]] * [[start writing]]

You slave away for years at your immortal prose. Eventually you manage to graduate, and, impoverished, get a part-time job in a creative writing program. You self-publish your Master's thesis, a moving tale a woman and her teapot unencumbered by plot or a definitive ending. You sell a respectable 103 copies. <<display "The End">>

So you want to be the next C. S. Lewis. Unfortunately the last C. S. Lewis was C. S. Lewis himself. You slave away for years with your angels and demons, but the first time an editor sees it he recommends that you try paranormal romance instead. <<set $genre="supernatural">> You decide to: * [[write paranormal romance]] * [[change careers]]

You slave away for years with your horses, your Injuns, and your scarred but unbowed Civil War veterans. After typing away the best years of your life, you submit your first western to an editor. <<set $genre="westerns">> You are laughed out of town. <<display "The End">>

You're right. It's too early to specialize. What will you do instead? * [[start writing]] * [[find an agent]] * [[procrastinate]]

You go off to do your <<print $genre>> research, lots and lots of research. You become a master of one obscure topic, but now what? You decide to: * [[start writing]] * [[procrastinate]]

You do a bit of <<print $genre>> research online, clearing up that rough point at the price of a small infodump. You decide to: * [[write more|write]] * [[procrastinate]]

There are many ways to procrastinate. You decide to: * [[do some research]] * [[watch a movie]] * [[read a book]] * [[play a game]] * [[surf the interwebs]] * [[vacuum the cat]] * [[find new ways to procrastinate]]

You watch the latest <<print $genre>> blockbuster, but that's only good for two hours or so. Now what? You decide to: * [[write]] * [[procrastinate longer]]

You curl up with the hot new <<print $genre>> novel, but eventually you do reach The End. Now what? You decide to: * [[write]] * [[procrastinate longer]]

You master the video game in just a few weeks. But now what? You decide to: * [[write]] * [[procrastinate longer]]

The net never ends. You spend a few hours surfing, and then decide to: * [[write]] * [[procrastinate longer]]

[[Cat vacuuming|http://www.scalzi.com/whatever/003651.html]] brings procrastination to a whole new level. There are many ways to vacuum the cat. You decide to: * [[do the dishes]] * [[clean the bathroom]] * [[knit]] * [[cook dinner]] * [[shop]] * [[make your own website]] * [[actually vacuum a cat]]

Real writers have their own cats for convenient vacuuming, but if your cat is testy or you are for some inexplicable reason between cats, there's always the option of vacuuming the neighborhood stray. You decide to: * [[vacuum your own cat]] * [[vacuum a stray cat]]

Fluffy submits to a light dusting, then hides under the bed. From now on, she flees whenever you vacuum anything. You decide to: * [[write]] * [[procrastinate longer]]

Before applying the hoover to your own cat (you do have a cat, don't you?), you decide to practice on a neighborhood stray. You entice the ragged-looking tom inside, then fire up the vacuum cleaner. The fur begins to fly. Tom is not amused. He scratches and bites you, then slips out the door. You decide to: * [[clean yourself up and get back to writing]] * [[see a doctor]]

You clean yourself up and get to work on a new <<print $genre>> novel. You're really excited about it, and over the next month you finish three chapters. Then your word count falls off because you are experiencing headaches. A week later you've lost your appetite and developed a fever. //It's just swine flu,// you think. You decide to: * [[see a doctor anyway]] * [[stay home and drink plenty of fluids]]

The doctor doesn't like what she sees when she shines her little pen light in your eyes. She sends you straight to the neurology ward of your local hospital. Your condition deteriorates rapidly. Soon you are hallucinating that you are a world-famous <<print $genre>> writer, faking an illness for the sake of research. You happen, however, to be lucid when the PCR comes back. The neurologist comes to your hospital room to break the bad news. "You have rabies." "Rabies?" You don't understand. "You may be disoriented, but try to remember whether you came into contact with a stray animal or bat in the past month or two." "Oh no..." You explain about the stray cat. Fortunately for you, the neurologist takes the vacuuming bit as a hallucination. "Bitten by a stray cat," he says, as he thumb-types the information into your records using his iPhone. "Rabies is almost invariably fatal when left untreated until symptoms appear." You grasp at that //almost//. "But there's a chance, isn't there?" "The chances of survival are so miniscule that your health insurance will not cover the treatment." He looks away. "You may suffer seizures or slip into a coma for a few..." The doctor's voice fades away as you slip into the final coma. <<display "The End">>

In a few days your energy returns. You even write a few paragraphs, but when you look back at them they are as incoherent as the stuff you write when you're falling asleep at 2am. Soon you are two antsy to sit at the keyboard. You go for a walk around the neighborhood. Some of your neighbors look at you funny, and within a few blocks people are crossing the street to avoid you. This angers you, and you cross after them. A woman and her ten-year-old child run away. You give chase. People are screaming, which only makes you madder. You run faster, but someone tackles you from behind. You bite his hand. "Damn!" He punches you in the side of the head, but you back away. A crowd is forming around the two of you. "Look at him," someone says. "He's foaming at the mouth!" "Stand back," another person says. "Somebody call an ambulance." "No! Call the police!" You break out of the circle and run--right into traffic. A tractor-trailer blows its foghorn at you, but you're disoriented. It tries to break and turn, but too late. You are crushed to death beneath the right wheel. The man you bit is wise enough to see a doctor for rabies shots. <<display "The End">>

You tell the doctor about your encounter with the cat. He doesn't seem to understand. "Why were you vacuuming a cat?" "It's just something we writers do," you say. "Where is this cat now?" You don't know. The doctor recommends a course of rabies shots. You decide to: * [[take the shots]] * [[take your chances]]

Rabies shots are painful and expensive. The doctor hopes you've learned your lesson about cat vacuuming. You decide to: * [[write]] * [[hoover more]] * [[change careers]]

<<display "clean yourself up and get back to writing">>

Tomorrow is another day. You decide to: * [[do some research]] * [[watch a movie]] * [[read a book]] * [[play a game]] * [[surf the interwebs]] * [[vacuum the cat]] * [[find new ways to procrastinate]]

Writers write, but //real// writers knit. When the sweater is done, however, decisions must be made anew. You decide to: * [[write]] * [[hoover more]]

Shopping is good for a few hours' cat vacuuming, but eventually you return home, even poorer than before. You decide to: * [[write]] * [[hoover more]]

Tomorrow is another day. You decide to: * [[do the dishes]] * [[clean the bathroom]] * [[knit]] * [[cook dinner]] * [[shop]] * [[make your own website]] * [[actually vacuum a cat]]

The dishes are good for only an hour's cat vacuuming or so. Now what? You decide to: * [[write]] * [[hoover more]]

The bathroom is good for only an hour's cat vacuuming or so. Now what? You decide to: * [[write]] * [[hoover more]]

Dinner is good for a few hours' cat vacuuming, especially if you share it with other starving artists. But when the plates are finally cleared away, decisions must be made. You decide to: * [[write]] * [[hoover more]]

It's better to be published before you start advertising your writing career on the web, but you get a head start anyway. After a month spent shopping, tweaking, prodding, deploying, and blogging, your web presence is established. What will you do with all your newfound free time? You decide to: * [[write]] * [[hoover more]]

Going to <<print $genre>> conventions is a subtle form of procrastination. It may even help your career. But eventually the free food in the con suite runs out and you must hitchhike home and sleep off the hangover. The morning after, you decide to: * [[do some research]] * [[start writing]] * [[procrastinate]]

You bring procrastination to such grand new heights that you never write again. Congratulations! <<display "The End">>

//Clackety clackety clack.// {{{It was a bright and sunny day.}}} Soon you have an entire paragraph of stunning <<print $genre>> prose. But is it the beginning of a short story, or an entire novel? <<set $scenes=$scenes + 1>> You decide to: * [[make an outline first]] * [[write a short story]] * [[write a novel]]

The wise writer plans ahead. When you outline your brilliant idea you find out whether you have a short story about one character solving one problem or a swollen series where you'll be juggling twenty main characters for years. You will: * [[write a short story]] * [[write a novel]] * [[write a trilogy]]

<<set $length="short story">> You're starting small, with a short story. You slave over your opening scene until it's perfect. Maybe it's time to take a breather. <<set $scenes=$scenes + 1>> You decide to: * [[write more|write]] * [[procrastinate]]

<<set $length="novel">> You write. You write some more. You slave over your opening scene until it's perfect. Maybe it's time to take a breather. <<set $scenes=1>> You decide to: * [[write more|write]] * [[procrastinate]]

<<set $length="trilogy">> You write. You write some more. You slave over your purple prose until it's perfect. Maybe it's time to take a breather. <<set $scenes=$scenes + 10>> You decide to: * [[write more|write]] * [[procrastinate]]

You sit down at your desk, ready to crank out the <<print $genre>> prose. <<set $currentscenes=Math.round(Math.random() * Math.random() * Math.random() * 10)>> <<if $currentscenes eq 0>> You are struck by writer's block. No matter how hard you scribble, nothing comes out. <<elseif $currentscenes eq 1>> You add another exquisite scene to your immortal prose. <<elseif $currentscenes gt 1>> You add <<print $currentscenes>> more scenes to your thrilling tale. <<endif>> <<set $scenes=$scenes + $currentscenes>> You decide to: * [[write more|write]] * [[do more research]] * [[wrap it up]] * [[procrastinate]]

You write some more. You write even more, every day for a week--well, except Thursday, but you resolved never to speak of Thursday again. Finally your <<print $genre>> short story is complete. You decide to: * [[submit it]] * [[workshop it]] * [[find an agent]]

<<if ($length eq "short story" and $scenes lt 3) or ($length eq "novel" and $scenes lt 50) or ($length eq "trilogy" and $scenes lt 200)>><<display "unwrapped up">> <<else>><<display "wrapped up">> <<endif>>

Your <<if ($scenes eq 1)>>single scene is<<else>><<print $scenes>> scenes are<<endif>> not enough for a <<print $length>>. Perhaps you should: * [[write more|write]] * [[start over]] * [[change genres]] * [[procrastinate]]

Your immortal <<print $genre>> <<print $length>> is finally complete. What will you do now? You decide to: * [[submit it]] * [[revise it]] * [[workshop it]] * [[find an agent]] * [[self-publish]] * [[procrastinate]]

You revise your <<print $length>>, but is it any better now than before? You're not entirely certain. You decide to: * [[submit it]] * [[revise it some more]] * [[workshop it]] * [[write another one]] * [[procrastinate]]

You hack away at your <<print $length>> until it's barely recognizable. What will you do to the poor thing next? You decide to: * [[submit it]] * [[workshop it]] * [[write another one]] * [[procrastinate]]

A successful writer puts the past behind them and keeps on writing. You sit down at your desk. <<if $length eq "novel">><<display "trilogize?">> <<else>><<set $scenes=0>> <<set $length="">> <<display "start writing">> <<endif>>

Will you turn your novel into a trilogy, or let it stand alone and move on? You decide to: * [[write the trilogy]] * [[write something new]]

<<set $length="trilogy">> <<display "write a trilogy">>

<<set $scenes=0>> <<set $length="">> <<display "start writing">>

Your writer's group hates more about your <<print $length>> than you realized was in it at all. Now that you have a long, long list of revisions to make, what will you do next? You decide to: * [[revise it]] * [[submit it]] * [[write another one]] * [[procrastinate]]

You toss out the old draft and start fresh. <<set $length="">> <<set $scenes=0>> <<display "start writing">>

You've decided that <<print $genre>> is not for you. You toss your draft into the trunk and start fresh. <<set $length="">> <<set $genre="">> <<set $scenes=0>> <<display "pick a genre">>

<<if $length eq "short story">><<display "submit short story">> <<elseif $length eq "novel">><<display "submit novel">> <<elseif $length eq "trilogy">><<display "submit trilogy">> <<endif>>

There are many short story markets out there. You decide to: * [[submit it to a magazine]] * [[submit it to an ezine]] * [[submit it to a short story contest]] * [[procrastinate]]

You submit your <<print $genre>> story to a print magazine. Many moons later, you get a letter back. <<set $odds=960>> <<display "the rejectomatic">>

You submit your <<print $genre>> story to a webzine. A few days later, you get an email. <<set $odds=915>> <<display "the rejectomatic">>

You submit your <<print $genre>> story to a short story contest. A few months later, you get a response. <<set $odds=985>> <<display "the rejectomatic">>

Will you face the faceless editors on your own, or will you find an agent? You decide to: * [[submit it to a publisher]] * [[submit it to an agent]] * [[self-publish]]

A trilogy is a lot for a publisher to swallow at once. Perhaps you should send it out to agents instead. You decide to: * [[submit it to a publisher]] * [[submit it to an agent]] * [[self-publish]]

<<set $market="">> You submit your <<print $genre>> <<print $length>> to a publisher. A few months later, you get a response. <<set $odds=990>> <<display "the rejectomatic">>

You submit your <<print $genre>> <<print $length>> to an agent. A few months later, you get a response. <<set $odds=971>> <<set $market="agent">> <<display "the rejectomatic">>

<<set $rejectometer=Math.round(Math.random() * 1000)>><<if (($rejectometer gt $odds) and ($rejections gt 10))>> <<display "accepted">> <<else>> <<display "rejected">> <<endif>>

<<if $market eq "agent">> It's good news! Your <<print $length>> has been accepted by an agent. <<set $scenes=0>> <<else>> It's good news! Your <<print $length>> has been accepted for publication! Soon you will be a world-famous <<print $genre>> writer. <<set $publications=$publications + 1>> <<set $odds=$odds - 50>> <<set $scenes=0>> <<endif>>�� What's next? * [[write another one]] * [[procrastinate]] * [[go on the convention circuit]]

<<set $rejections=$rejections + 1>> It's bad news. Your <<print $length>> was rejected. How could they turn down such a masterpiece? You decide to: * [[submit it to another market|submit it]] * [[revise it]] * [[workshop it]] * [[write another one]] * [[complain to the editor]] * [[self-publish]] * [[procrastinate]] * [[give up writing]]

You write a scathing letter to the editor who rejected your <<print $length>>. Your missive arouses no response from your enemy, however. You decide to: * [[stalk the editor]] * [[try another market|submit it]] * [[self-publish]] * [[write something new]]

You drive cross-country in an adult diaper in order to harass the editor who rejected your <<print $length>>. When you reach his shining office tower, you decide to: * [[get the crowbar and duct tape out of the trunk]] * [[act casual and observe]]

Sadly, your crowbar doesn't make it through the metal detector. The police don't share your opinion of editorial obligation; you end your writing career teaching creative writing to your fellow inmates. <<display "The End">>

The natives step around you as you mutter to yourself outside the skyscraper's glass doors. Inside, you think you see a metal detector, and a normal-looking visitor getting patted down. A man tosses you a quarter; at first you think he knows you're a writer, but then you realize he's mistaken you for one of the homeless people you saw while walking here from the overpriced parking garage. You decide on the spot to [[give up writing]].

Where does one find an agent these days? You decide to: * [[google]] * [[read the trade mags]] * [[ask your friends for recommendations]]

You find a few agents on Google, and one of them even asks for a writing sample. <<display "submit it to an agent">>

You immerse yourself in writing magazines, and quickly become distracted by all the writing advice that could apply to your <<print $length>>. You are sorely tempted to revise it some more before submitting to an agent. But there are other options. Do you: * [[revise it some more]] * [[self-publish]] * [[submit it to an agent anyway|submit it to an agent]]

Your writer friends give you a list of names, which you arrange pretty much at random then pick the top one off the list. <<display "submit it to an agent">>

It's not easy being your own publisher. It takes you a month of fiddling with fonts and Looking Inside, but eventually your <<print $length>> is available to the world. Your mother buys a copy. <<set $publications=$publications + 1>> <<set $odds=$odds - 10>> <<set $scenes=0>> What's next? * [[write another one]] * [[procrastinate]] * [[go on the convention circuit]]

Tired of poverty, starvation, and editorial abuse, you become an actuary. <<display "The End">>

Writing is all pain, no gain. You decide to take up marathon running instead. Unfortunately, you expire of heat exhaustion on Heartbreak Hill. Better luck in your next incarnation. <<display "The End">>

One day, after years of hard work, you get a phone call. You've won the <<if $genre eq "SF" or $genre eq "science fiction" or $genre eq "fantasy">>Hugo award<<elseif $genre eq "mainstream">>Nobel prize for literature<<elseif $genre eq "horror" or $genre eq "paranormal romance" or $genre eq "supernatural">>Bram Stoker award<<elseif $genre eq "mystery">>Edgar Allan Poe award<<elseif $genre eq "romance">>RITA award<<elseif $genre eq "thriller">>International Thriller Writers award<<else>>most prominent award in your genre<<endif>>. You can rest on your laurels if you choose, or go on writing more masterpieces to entertain your vast fandom. <<display "The End">>

''The End'' ---- <<display "StoryInfo">>

<<display "About the Author">> <<display "About the Story">>

* [[About the Story]] * [[About the Author]]

Disclaimer: //Choose Your Own Writing Career// should not be interpreted as career advice. You remain responsible for your own writing career. //Choose Your Own Writing Career// began long ago in twee, a plain-text alternative to Twine 1, and was finished more recently using [[Scree|http://mcdemarco.net/tools/scree/]], [[Twee2|https://dan-q.github.io/twee2/]] (a plain-text alternative to [[Twine 2|https://twinery.org/]]), and [[SugarCube 2.20.0|http://www.motoslave.net/sugarcube/]]. The style is Bleached for SugarCube 2, with some tweaks to make it look more like SugarCube 1/Sugarcane.

M. C. DeMarco is an sf writer from Massachusetts. See her [[bio page|http://mcdemarco.net/bio/]] for more information.